the middle of the journey, but the beginning of the blog

i started to title this post as 'the beginning of the journey' - but truth be told, i am somewhere in the middle.  i have started blogs in the past, but chose not to share them in order to save face and not create a support system to hold me accountable.   i've also lost weight, put it back on then lost it again only to put it all back on all over again... this time things have to be different.

i've struggled with my weight for as long as i can remember.  about 5 and a half years ago (@ 22 years old) i was successful on a diet for the very first time ever.  in 5 months i lost 75 pounds and over the following 7 months i lost 25 more totaling 100.5 pounds in a year.  i was so proud of my success but it was deemed a failure by the most important man in my life at the time.

i had started dating my first boyfriend ever during my weight loss journey, about 3 months after i began.  he was very proud of my weight loss efforts and initially came off very supportive of me.  the first 75 pounds came off quickly because i NEVER cheated (seriously 5 months no cheating) on my diet and my body was simply melting away.  when i started to "cheat" once or twice a week the weight loss continued but slowed down considerably.  my boyfriend put a lot of pressure on me to pick up the pace and get to my goal weight as fast as possible so that we could move on with our lives and his love for me could be all encompassing... he made it very clear to me that my weight made his love for me conditional.  all of that pressure pushed me to comfort myself the only way i really knew how... i started eating "bad" food again.  i binged on sweets, salty things, combinations of both, secret eating, and indulging with friends that wouldn't judge me and also liked to eat.  i returned to all of the habits that got me to my highest, most miserable weight ever.

for one year i played a game of yoyo with myself: gain 5lbs one week and lose it the next.  that way i was able to maintain about an 80lb weight loss.  i had trainers, i ran 5k's and hiked on the weekends but the draw of food as my comfort, my friend, and my support won out.  for the past three and a half/four years i have been slowly putting myself back behind a wall of fat in order to protect myself from the things that hurt me when i was "thin".

i have saved the majority of my "skinny" clothes, i don't shop for appropriately fitting clothes now because "i'm going to start a diet next week" so i don't want to spend money on clothes that will only fit me for a short time, and i have kept a gym membership for two and a half years that i rarely if ever use, because i don't want to pay the start up costs again if i close it.  i'm lying to myself OR i need to follow through with what i'm telling myself. whatever it is, it's absurd.  its time for me to change my lifestyle and let it be just that.  if i choose to indulge one night it doesn't ruin a whole weeks worth of work.  if i'm in need of emotional support i need to seek it in my friends and family and not a pint of ben and jerry's.

my plan is to use this blog as a way to hold me accountable to the process... i can't just give up because i messed up if even for a week or two.  i want to document my journey back to a place where i held my head a little bit higher, wore a skirt because it was comfy not because i had to, and felt fantastic and energized pretty much everyday.

the stats: my goal weight is roughly 160lbs from where i am today.  i say roughly because i haven't weighed myself in about a month, but i believe that is how far i have to go.  i believe i'm around what i was the last time i began a diet and was successful - hopefully not too much more.  i am still debating whether or not to put actual weights on this blog because of the sheer embarrassment of it all - but i guess my weight is just a number, people can look at me in plain sight and see that i'm in desperate need of a diet and exercise plan - so i'll fill you in when i weigh myself, i wanted to set this up before i "got started".   in the next couple of days i will add a present photo of myself and maybe a few others.  i will decide if i'm going to share my weight #'s and from there i will document the ups and downs of this journey.